My Your Lie in April Rewatch [SPOILER WARNING]

A couple months back in April I decided to rewatch the popular anime "Your Lie in April". For a long time it was in my top 10 favs for its captivating story but at the time of watching I was very immature. So I decided that I will rewatch the series 1 episode each day of april. I also decided to document this on a site called AniList. Over that month the anime shot to my number 1 and it changed my life. The following the day by day breakdown the series and my thoughts as I watched each episode:

[Episode 1]: Oh man oh man i forgot how strong these episodes started out. The stage being set with Kousei on the piano when he was young, the subtle thing with kaori. Of course the music bangs super hard. I used to use the bg music of this anime as my study music lol. Yeah this is gonna be a one hell of a rewatch

[Episode 2]: Truly the beginning of things to come there’s a lot of things I want to say so lets just into it. Firstly Tsubaki forcing Kousei to come to a place that has a lot of trauma for him is while pretty messed up it’s fantastic that she cares about him enough to push him. Another thing I wanna address is the writing and dialogue OMG THE DIALOGUE. The way the characters describe their feelings and thoughts is phenomenal. Kaori’s first performance is all her. Koari lives free because she knows she can’t afford to spend each day not doing so. Her performance giving life to Kousei’s eyes oh man.

Later on when Koari finds kousei on the street while “she’s waiting for Watari” I HAS TEARS IN MY EYS. And of course the cherry on top of this episode we have the introduction of one of greatest motifs ive had the pleasure of hearing “The music I create here is it going to reach them?” , yes Koari it reached HIM.

[Episode 3]: Wow. A lot things you don't really get from the that first go around and that is very true here. We have a lot of things to go through so let's begin. At the start of the episode we have Koari and Kousei at a cafe, there's some kids playing the piano and Koari pushed Kousei to play with them. In hindsigh she has an agenda to push lol but again its very sweet that Kousei has people around him that care enough to push him. Through most people's lives its hard to find people to kick you in the ass when you need it the most. As Kousei plays the piano all goes well until he just gives up. We learn that Kousei can't hear the piano keys his trauma and fear are actively pushing him away from the craft. To quote him directly "The more I concentrate the more my performance begins to consume me". This begins to delve a bit deeper with me personally because on my initial watch I never understood this but being in a very similar situation to Kousei at the time of writing this it's very relatable. I understand what it means to be okay with doing something you love and then one second it all comes crashing down on you like a 1000 tons is weighing on your head for no apparent reason. Koari "convinces" Kousei to be her accompanist and again the English dub with their dialogue is chef's kiss: "You exist within spring; a flourish of life unlike anything I've ever known" - Kousei.

Kousei ends up getting cold feet and again Koari having an agenda to push she chases him down. When I first watched this anime I didn't understand this plot point. I wondered if had the conviction to do it why back down? As a more mature person, 4 years later, I get it. Even if your conviction is there one day the underlying fear won't go away overnight. We get an interaction between Tsubaki and Koari in this episode that's pretty sweet in which they plan to get Kousei to be her pianist whether he likes it or not. While on the bus they discuss their plan and Tsubaki brings up the moment that Kousei stopped playing to quote her: "It's like something inside of him stopped". Man that line hit super hard. This may to a bit personal but hey its adds to this so whatever; I'm a CS kid (ha ha yeah get your jokes off) but I genuinely love computers and to learn about them. I've been through a lot and that line really hit me hard. To have something and to push through it as much as you can but then ultimately it all comes crashing down leaving you feeling paralyzed whenever you engage in it again is such a... disheartening and frighting thing.

Nonetheless, Koari on the day of the performance chases to find Kousei and the anime makes it a point to show her struggle, knowing she has the condition she has it's super admirable that she pushes this hard and the more impactful that she does what she does. Koari pleads to Kousei exclaiming: "You don't know how close I am to losing heart". That again is such a good piece of dialogue in hindsight knowing what's she's going through. The episode concludes there, but I want to make another note of how GOOOD the OST of this anime is, it tugs at your heart strings like no other and truly makes you feel the emotions the characters are at that moment

[Episode 4]: WAS THIS ANIME ALWAYS THIS GOOD??? THIS IS THE BEST EPISODE SO FAR. let's jump right in. This episode cover the first performance of Koari and Kousei. When we begin the episode Kousei is scribbling to memorize the sheet music. Even after all this resolve he still gets the nerves. The perfectionism built into his body can't leave him even at that point. Right then Koari with one of the most powerful images in the whole series tells Kousei to look at her and watch her. Kousei remarks that: "She is the journey with no destination in sight, its like your freedom itself" but Koari replies with ""Freedom is what we find out there". She shines so bright in every moment she is in.There is a question that I had when I saw this moment which is, how much reassurance do you need to keep going what needs to be done for you to finally press down on those keys?

This is a bit of a side but Koari before preforming let's out a prayer: "Elohim, Essaim... Elohim, Essaim I implore you". After doing some digging this is actually a reference to Naoki Urusawa and 20th Century Boys which is pretty cool.As the performance starts, all seems well until Kousei sees the ghost of his mom, the personification of his trauma and perfectionism. With that he drowns he lets go and utterly gives up. He stops playing which disqualifies them in the running.But they are still allotted their time so they can do whatever, Koari still trusts Kousei to keep pushing even if he failed again, she has the faith he can do it, to just follow the line he provides. Kousei while still drowning, locks in, he can't hear the keys but he can see the light that shines through the ocean he's under and he is just swimming towards it.

They play their hearts out even knowing that they've failed, Koari chooses to danced in the failure with pure grace to end the performance on her terms and to let Kousei to the same. This performance gave me literal goosebumps I don't recall it being this well put together. This anime is so well directed and it has so much love poured into it. At the end of this performance you see a very beautiful image of Kousei finally sensing this spring in his heart as arrived. For once in his life he embraced the failure and danced anyway. Truly brings a tear to my eye. However we end with Koari collapsing on the ground which is...yeah another sign of things to come. Poor girl ran around to find Kousei and then played her heart out. Poor baby... From earlier the question I asked about what it takes and I think for us to take away from this is that we must find a light even in the darkness and depths we may be in find the light and swim towards it like your life depends on it. Follow that light and you will be reborn

[Episode 5]: had a busy day but i will never skip on this. Words seem to leave me this episode but the one thing on my mind here is radiant. Whenever i sit down to watch this I feel a spring bloom in my heart reminding me of times gone by a nostalgia too intoxicating. This episode deals with Koaris illness and we find out her passing out wasn’t the first time. This is the series giving a warning sign to stay vigilant. Majority of this episode is taken up by Tsubaki and her own past love to confess but her turning him down. Its like extremely obvious she is in love with Kousei but she’s stubborn and a teenager so she won’t admit it. On the flip side Kousei gets a bit of hint that he may have more than platonic feelings for Koari but he won’t admit it. Very funny seeing that dynamic playout. At the end of the episode Koari again she’s thinker she knows what she’s doing, waits for kousei at a bridge to take the leap he needs. Kousei will follow her light until he himself is the light. Apologies for the rushed analysis today super busy but tomorrow we will be back with the usual :)))

[Episode 6]: By the skin of my teeth i finished this episode, its 11:59pm where i live. Anyways never missing a day of this. This episode focuses on Tsubaki even more setting up Kouseis feeling as well but more dealing with the idea that if someone else were to come into the person i care about’s world how would I stack up? Is it a competition? As we soon find out the time you spend with another person can’t be taken from you that time is yours and yours alone and we should all learn to cherish it. This episode while not as emotionally intense as the others were is still a very tender episode where we really learn Tsubakis truth and while she does do something reckless like dating a guy over something like this, at the end of the day she’s also just trying to find her way in life. No images im on my phone :(

[Episode 7]: This episode was fantastic again, this episode was focused around the "shadow" in Kousei's mind. Represented as his cat it pressures him to answer him but Kousei doesn't have an answer. As the episode progresses he find Koari and he explains his trauma to her. She gives him a magnificent answer: "Just play with sincerity. Give the performance of your life time with everything you've got". She tells him that it's perfect that he was born to be himself not Choplin. To be him, to give him that push and be as genuine as she is. I see you. I hear you and I am all for it. We then enter the venue where Kousei just tells the other kids there he doesn't remember them which is a pretty funny interaction. Near the end, Kousei is scared to preform so much he is visibly shaking but Koari's words are finally starting to break through he remembers her telling him that it's okay to be scared everyone is to do so. You just have to act like your 10 feet tall and with a heavy chest just do it! Sometimes I feel like this anime is speaking to me, I fee like Koari is talking to me.

[Episode 8]: Another great episode. This time the highlight on Takeri and Emi, two of Kousei's "Rivals". These two have been in his shadow and this is their episode to shine. Most the episode was just their performances, Takeri's was electric each note played felt like a stomp on battlefield letting Kousei know how he is while Emi's was more graceful but fierce. The anime makes it a point to show that her emotions flare out in her performance and I think its a great touch. Kousei still remains pretty awed and not at all egotistic. These two are great characters and I enjoyed them a lot on my initial watch. Tomorrow we have Kousei's time to shine, im excited to see.

[Episode 9]: Just Wow. This episode is heavy super heavy. We finally get to Kousei's solo performance its ... so sad. Before we talk about Kousei I want to mention that we see Kaori's pills and her looking unwell and this is the first BIG sign that something is really wrong. In this episode we explore the the abuse of Kousei and learn more about why he can't play. Up until now he's been dragged along by the sparks of others but when he has to be by himself on that stage it terrifies him to end. That is because the piano is a representation of his dead abusive mother who would beat him until he got it the notes right. We see a scene where a younger Tsubaki asks Kousei to come outside and play and we see Kousei bandaged and bruised. It's a insanely depressing thought espically when you stop to consider that his probably 5 year old child is beat until he plays the correct notes and then he has to apply the bandages onto himself. The psyche of a younger Kousei is truly something heart-wrenching. He blames himself for the death of his mother, he plays so well so that the only person in his life that he feels like "supporting" him stays alive. He endures and he endures, but it all comes to ahead. Kousei's mother beats him in front of the entire crowd and something inside of him snaps at what is basically just a baby's age Kousei throws the sheet music at his mother and tells her how much pain he has been through but he's had enough and that he wishes he was DEAD. Unfortunately this is the last words he ever spoke to her. The image of Kousei telling his mother this has been etched into my head for as long as I have seen this episode. It is such a powerful scene and so so heartbreaking. As Kousei starts to play the piano this trauma resurfaces tenfold and he begins to drown. The ghost of his mother haunting his every keystroke. The episode ends on this but I want to talk a little bit more about this. When I first watched this episode it was at a time in my life where I was a pretty arrogant and egotistical brat. When I saw this episode yes this scene was powerful but it still perplexed me as to why Kousei would still have this trauma when it seemed to go away. With more years on my back I now understand how foolish I was in making that claim. Trauma and anxiety is not something that can disappear when you want it to, its something that we all must learn to live with. There will come a day where you will hear from the scars that throb at each moment of the day. I hope there comes a day where I too learn to live with the scars from my past and present.

[Episode 10]: I've been using a single word to introduce each of these "breakdowns" if you were to call it that. There isn't a word I can use to describe the emotions welling up inside of me right now. I always write these immediately after I watch the episode in question and what I feel now has no language to describe it. With teary eyes, let me tell you the story of the reborn Kousei Arima. We begin where we last left off, Kousei drowning the depth of the notes of his mother's trauma. His ears failing him and pounding hastily at the keys. To anyone person in the audience this was a performance even an beginner would surpass. Emi and Takeru both stunned to see what their rival had become. Before the opening played there was an interaction from what I presume was earlier in the week when Watari lost the regionals. As they talk Kousei counselling him says "With any famous player comes setbacks it's just what makes them so good." What Watari says in return is that it's his time to shine that: "Setbacks come with the territory of becoming a superstar. In the face of adversity, that's when you know if someone’s the real deal or not. Or so they say. The stars shine at night, you know". Returning to the performance, Kousei begins to thaw. He loosens on the keystrokes, he tells himself if he expected such a competition to uplift him into returning to form. But he's still there trapped in the shadow of the perfectionist mother. It is then when the tears in my owns eyes start to form. Kousei stares up at the lights and he recalls what Kaori says to him. That he will shine. It is when he completely stops. Takes his hands gently off the piano and just stops. We know from the first performance that stopping means an automatic disqualification. But I don't think Kousei cares about that anymore. As he stares at the light, Kousei recalls this performance with Kaori and he asks "what keeps you playing?". We hear a constant heartbeat, dun dun... dun dun.., before Kousei says "AGAIN!" and begins to play again. Starting off still off tempo, however, he starts to mellow out. He remembers such a warm, tender and beautiful scene of him and Kaori. He find a new light. As he plays the auditorium is filled with this image. Kousei's performance paints the picture of his heart and his new found light. He shares his with everyone, this is him exclaiming that he is now reborn. Everyone, including me, were awestruck and teary eyed hearing this. I don't how but the people behind the OST captures this feeling perfectly. Kousei dances in the failure he put himself in and in that failure finds something greater. We see this pictured as the performance ends and a stunning picture of a cherry blossom flourishes behind him.

The performance ends but the crowd, unlike the other times, were not just captivated they were transported to a place in Kousei's heart. Applause is sparse but he doesn't care. Kousei with a smile finally plays the way he wanted to and feels...free. At the end of the episode we see the ghost of his mother smile at him, which is the official stamp. Lots of characters in this episode say "welcome back", but I will say "Welcome to the world, the reborn Kousei Arima". I am not done however, I have something to get off my chest.

I've said through this whole review, if you wanna call it that, that I was crying. I mean it I was shedding tears. Not only for how tender this episode is; contrasting fantastically with the previous one. But this episode is speaking to me and I cannot help but reflect. Right now I am how Kousei is. I'm stuck in that shadow of what I used to be. Whenever sit down at this desk, the same darkness overwhelms me as well. I'm paralyzed. I want to keep going, I want to push forward. But it's hard to find that hope within my own heart. The fire the passion that was once there for the thing I love is not anymore. Until now it's just been me. Pushing myself through all personal issues, through all the strife. Now I don't have it in me to do so. I've heard it a lot that "Nobody is coming to save you"; that's a true statement I won't deny it. But I can't save myself anymore. I wish I had someone like Kaori to push me to kick my ass when I need it the most. Not even in a romantic setting...I don't know if I have it in me to keep pushing towards my dreams. This paralysis is ... eternal. I want to find a reason to keep going.

(Edit: lol i just spent 30 mins writing this)

[Episode 11]: Halfway there! Wow has it really been 11 days? Time really flies huh. This episode is the aftermath of yesterday's where we saw the rebirth of Kousei Arima. The series doesn't pull the punches here we know Kousei is disqualified and we double down on that. Emi and Takeru both confused as to why Kousei is acting in such a way. He tells them that no matter the result, no matter what happend, he knows what he did was the for best. Shattering the image of the invincible robot in front of them. That nigh Kousei gains a second wind, he practices the piano until he drops dead asleep. A lot of this episode explores that second wind that he gains, which is Kaori. We further see that Kaori has gotten a letter from the first competition to play in their stage performance. This time instead of forcing Kousei she asks him. This is interesting because I think she too recognizes that he doesn't need to be pushed anymore. Kousei agrees and Kaori picks out "Love's Sorrow" by Fritz Kreisler. Kaori I know what you're doing. They practice and play and at the end of the episode we see them in a field of fireflies. The episode is called "life of light" and we know why now because Kaori talks about how fragile but strong willed the fireflies are: "It’s so weak, but it’s shining with all its might.” She is indirectly talking about herself in this situation. Kaori then asks Kousei what made him change and he responds "I had you". Sadge, so very sweet. I like how he doesn't beat around the bush. We end the episode with Kaori saying "You know, I’m not always going to be around to help you." The song playing behind this scene is "My truth", a fantastic track and also addressing the elephant in the room. We will see where we go from here tomorrow

[Episode 12]: There's a lot that happened but today's episode was eye opening. We still have the two practising for the gala concert they're set to take stage in. We get some really nice moments where Kaori being herself pushes Kousei to end. We get a part of the episode dedicated to Love's Sorrow and Kousei's relationship to the piece. His mother used to play it all the time and he cannot help but associate that piece with her. Kousei still having a bit of touchiness for his deceased mother. After a little excursion in the pool we have a beautiful scene of kousei there and playing the keys for Love's Sorrow. He sees the light breaking through the surface of the pool. Just like Kaori does. The two later also visit Kaori's bakery where we get to see her parents for first time but more importantly their reaction to who Kousei is. Knowing what Kousei means to her their reactions are justified because he is the sole reason their daughter as faith in life. At the day of the gala, Kaori is mysteriously missing and we don't know where she is. Kousei while waiting for her, meets a boy not willing to give up his spot and it reminds him of himself a person dedicated to the craft as it was supposed to be. Kousei then says you can have your last spot but we will shine and that's a fantastic transformation from what we saw him before, truly he has grown.

[Episode 13]: This episode has the title "Love's Sorrow" after the piece Kousei plays. It's also like a quadruple entendre. With Kaori a complete no show, we get to see another solo performance from Kousei, this time it means something a little different. Even until now Kousei has still been wrestling with the death of his mother and this is the episode he finally says goodbye... Starting off playing by not hearing the notes and pounding on the keys, he eventually does a dramatic shift. As I said before Love's Sorrow is engraved into Kousei since it's his mother's favourite she would play it all the time. When the shift happen Kousei begins to play it as it was from his mother. In his words, "I can feel you with me even now". His mother who died from a sickness pushed him so she could see him succeed before she passed. Not saying her methods were correct but her intentions were. Kousei comes to terms that the ghost of his mother is something he created himself and that it isn't what she was like at all. What a beautiful scene, again made me tear up. After this performance Kousei weak on his knees lets a big cry asking "I hope it reached her". That saying has been a motif in this show and its so very touching. Conveying your emotions in hopes that they reach the person you intend is something we should all think about. There's been many a time where I too asked "Will it reach her?". After the performance, we see everyone meetup and Tsubaki sees Kousei differently, his letting go and acceptance has made him look different but she knows something that he doesn't in that moment. We later find out what happened to Kaori and that she's back in the hospital, considerably more washed out in her design. Considering how emotional I've been until now I don't know what's going to happen to me at the end of this.

Btw the quadruple entendre i am referring to is: The piece Love's Sorrow, the sorrow of motherly love from Saki to Kousei, the sorrow of a one sided love from Tsubaki to Kousei, and the sorrow of Kaori's love.

[Episode 14]: I missed yesterdays episode so today yall getting 2 posts. We see Kaori in the hospital and she's trying her best to hold on. That IV drip bag scene broke me man. I understand what it means to try and be strong for the people you care about. You don't want them to be troubled or to be worried. There's a lot of moments where even if I'm suffering I make sure others aren't. I does eat at you and for a child like her to endure it's ... man....

Most the episode actually revolves around Tsubaki and her mixed emotions. She is still dating the one guy she met before and even then in denial of her true feelings. After Kousei meets her on a beach late at night they have a walk and she starts to understand finally. When he says he's going to a high school with a speical music program she runs off finally understanding what Kousei is to him. He's not just a little brother he's someone she wants by her side. I think we all should also take the lesson from her to not let our emotion sit for too long. If you love someone go tell em.

[Episode 15]: a varied episode lots of things happened. we got Tsubaki opening up to Kousei. We have Kousei finding a lil girl to mentor. But more importantly we get the scene of Kaori's legs giving out. This scene is so shattering for me espically when she lets out a blood curdling scream I feel that. I am not ready for what's going to happen next

[Episode 16]: What an episode. Kaori is completely losing her color both literally and metaphorically. We start the episode with us seeing how she ended up collapsing, then cutting to her waiting for Kousei near the school in a similar manner to the second episode. They then go on a shopping spree and just do some nonsense together. I don't know how she has the strength to do this when its almost her time. They then go to the school and Kaori says something very interesting that garnered my interest: "Are you going to forget? The girl who brought you here on wild goose chase, the one you helped when she found a lost little kid, who snuck out of the hospital and waited for boy. Are you going to forget her?" Kousei answer no he won't. But why I find this interesting is because of my own life.

To you, who will never see this message, I haven't forgotten.

We then get a scene with them riding on a bike back to Kaori's place. For those uninformed, you can't ride on the back of a bike in Japan it's illegal so this holds more weight. During this scene Kaori weeps on Kousei's back and on the rewatch I know why. Her life may give out at any moment and she knows this. She may not get this chance again to be with the person she loves. Another callback happens in this scene. When Kousei piggybacks Tsubaki many episodes ago, he asks what the night sky would look like with Kaori and this is finally realized here. It's just as beautiful as he could ever imagine.

The rest of the episode is to do with the new girl, Nagi, who Kousei is teaching. She's Takeru's sister and hates Kousei for what he means to her brother. We get a really nice scene of her and Kousei getting along and he tells her about Kaori.

At the end of the episode Kousei visits Kaori again, but this time he doesn't say a word. The way Kaori is right now reminds him too much of what his mother went through. We end off with Kaori asking "do you want to kill yourself with me?". My actual heart man. I know what happens next episode and I'm not ready for it.

[Episode 17]: Started the episode with tears and ended it with a smile. The first half of this episode focuses in on Kousei dealing with how Kaori is now. He has been avoiding visiting her since yesterday's episode where she was visibly suicidal. Kaori is losing strength from all sides and its crushing Kousei, he can't loose someone like that again. He doesn't want to face her because he can't bare to handle it. After some words of encouragement from Watari he ends up going. It was for the best. The first half had me very teary eyed the way that the anime shows Kousei avoiding seeing her and Kaori's depression is so heart breaking. Fam I am not ready fro what is about to happen.

The latter half of this episode focuses on Nagi and the duo performance of her with Kousei at her school festival. We get to see a side of her that we don't see which is the pressure and the fragility he has. She's been lowkey an opp this whole time but one thing I love about this anime is that it doesn't try to antagonize anyone and give context for you to make your own opinions. At the end of the episode we get a nice moment where Kousei shares the nerves he has with Nagi and in that way he shared Kaori's radiance with her. Very sweet

The upcoming episodes will shatter me

[Episode 18]: I'm genuinely starting to run out of adjectives to start these off with. We start off this episode with the performance of Kousei and Nagi. We truly see how far he has come. Saying "Elohim assim" before starting as a homage to Kaori while she's listening over the speaker. He says to Nagi that he needs to kick ass in this moment by playing the piano and giving her hope. The answer he wasn't able to give to her suicidal question is this performance. What amazing performance, it was so fun to listen to and shoutout again to the OST they were cooking so hard they made it feel real. Nagi achieves her mission of sparking her brothers passion again and Kousei gets Kaori get to get up and "shadow play' the violin. He's returning the favour that she gave to him by inspiring her. We then visit Kaori later on where Kousei tells her I can't kill myself with you because I want to keep playing with you. He asks for one more performance with her. We will see what that means because the next episode man I think it will actually shatter me. The inspiration that Kousei gives Kaori reminds me of the the dynamic between me and very close friend of mine. I know he's reading this right now because he always does. He inspires me more than he thinks he does, hehe.

[Episode 19]: This was probably the most lighthearted episode out of the whole series, but the this is also the calm before the storm. This episode first first start with a very touching scene of Kousei visiting Kaori in the hospital and we see her trying her best to walk for Kousei. Koari's dad tells him that he brightened the darkness in her heart which is something that Kousei will truly understand later. After this we see a touching moment between Kousei and Tsubaki where she cuts his hair for him for a tournament he's going to. At said tournament we get to see TakeSHI (I've been calling him takeru for some reason), Emi and Kousei share a little snack beforehand. A very cute interaction plays between them telling us that the ice between them is gone and its a rivalry that's meant for the stage. We get the piece performed by Takeshi and it was electric (shoutout to the OST). Watching this episode you really see how the hearts of these have been joined ever since they were young its very touching to see.

[Episode 20]: Love & Loss. This is what terrified me. The episode is the first real one that focuses on the "love triangle" in the series. We get two really big confession within the span of like a minute. Kousei tells Tsubaki he loves Kaori. He finally admits it and its a beautiful scene. The face that Kousei makes reminds me of my younger self when I first fell in love. It is truly a unique feeling. Tsubaki tells him it's not happening so he should fall in love with her instead. Right then she kicks him in the shin and runs off. Truly the type of messiness you get with young love (dawg i sound like unc). Kousei still doesn't know what happened lol.

With this revelation past them Kousei begins to feel weird. He feels wrong to fall in love with someone who likes his best friend. This is super valid, you don't want to do that to your boy. We then cut to a scene with Kaori and Kousei talking on the phone. I want to emphasize the dialogue in this part because it's so well written whoever did the translation to the dub did a fantastic job. Kaori call him again immidately after hanging up to talk about an airplane going by.

She tells him: "you can see it too? wow i guess we're under the same sky" Kousei thinks: "Just when I'm sure she's still with me there she is. Beckoning for me to follow her. Just like I always do"[...] "Knowing I'm under the sky as you, it paints the night with a touch of wonder. You speak and I swing between hope and despair. Keeping time to the melody in my heart, what do people call this feeling again? Something so rare must have a name. Maybe they call it being in love?"

Magnificent.

After this tells her that he will keep visiting regardless of the tournament. So very sweet of him. We cut to Watari and Kousei walking up the stairs to Kaori's hosptial room and that's where he tells Watari he likes Kaori and he gives and interesting response: "well of course you do". Those who know why he says this will understand.

In a stark juxtaposition, once they ascend the stairs nurses are rushing with trays of aid into Kaori's room. When the boys peer in they see and witness from what I know Kaori having a seizure and spasing out on her bed. The boys witness this and Kousei is horrifed with imagery of his mother resurfacing. When watching this scene it sprung forth emotions when I first watched this episode and how distraught I was. I was visibly shaken and I don't why I knew this was going to happen and still it had so much impact on me. Kousei imaginably doesn't take this well at all. His eye's losing the light they had. Him going back and reminiscing about the times he had with Kaori made me cry. When he feels like he's finally confronted the emotions that made him see her less and can go in chin high to meet her, she's snatched away from her. We could've ended it here but no the episode goes fro a little longer, where Kousei finds a stray cat that go ran over just after witness Kaori's collapse. He tries to save it by running as fast as he could to the nearest vet. Unfortunately the cat's injuries were too fatal and it didn't survive. Kousei then goes to a nearby park where he washed the blood of his hands and then is where he breaks down to scream and cry. That ending scene is purely symbolic of how Kousei can't do anything to save Kaori. When he was a kid he tried to save his mom by playing the piano and now he tries to save Kaori and no matter what he does he can't do anything. This moment is really heart-wrenching. Like the water slipping through his fingers in this moment it seems that the people he loves the most seem to slip away from him whenever he gets close...

2 more episodes. MAN what a series.

[Episode 21]: The penultimate episode, my favourite episode and the one that means the world to me. Starting off where we left off, Kousei is in shambles. When Hiroko goes to visit him he has no will to even stand on his own two feet. The helplessness and depression take him over, the feeling always losing the one closet to him cracks him to his core. He doesn't want to move, he doesn't want to play, he doesn't want to be here. I know what he feels, I've been feeling the same way for a long time now. It's a feeling that is so deeply rooted that it hurts to even live. The light his world feels as if it will disappear any second and he has nothing left, nowhere to turn

He gets a letter delivered by Watari in his desk. It's from Kaori, she's okay. She wants caneles. But more importantly she wants to meet with Kousei alone. Kousei and dishevelled as ever goes to meet her, she seems chipper enough to scold him. This whole sequence just..everything about it I had such a hard time watching. Kaori says she wants to eat them on the roof so Kousei carries her up on his back. Kousei says she feels light, she's so very sick... As he walks up with her he thinks to himself and I think I should let the man speak for himself:

"I always used to tell myself she was going to be fine, she'd weathered the worst of it, she's strong. But now I-I don't know. She's loves animals, she has a sweet tooth, she's fragile. I see that now. God I'm a moron."

I had to pause on this moment. There was a time in my life where someone made me feel this exact same way. Where I thought they were nothing but their most exaggerated traits but the more your hearts get closer the more you begin to understand what the other person is truly like. She was strong but also fragile when needed. She also had a sweet tooth and loved animals. A burst of sunshine that I couldn't resist. Kousei I too am a moron...

As the duo get to the top, Kaori asks him if he's playing the piano. He denies and she replies with an acknowledgement that's like she knew this would happen. As she puts it "your too busy moping". Kousei says that music reminds of the people he lost. The ones he loves the most that people that get taken away from him at the worst possible times. Kaori reassures him that he has her. As chipper as always. Making sure Kousei doesn't lose himself in his own depression. Kousei pleads with her that he cannot play that there's no use and that anything does now will be garbage just like when he stopped playing. Kaori to show her seriousness about this wills her self to stand and do a little solo performance for him. Kousei turns around in awe like he's seen a miracle happen. As Kaori says "miracles happen in a cinch".

She tumbles into Kousei's arms and comes my favourite moment from this whole anime. As she falls, she laughs and says:

"In the same way that you have me, I have you too. You like to drink milk cus it washes down all those sweets. What else do you like though? Do you collect stuff? Hugs or stamps or anything? Do you like anime? So much I know about you, I envy Tsubaki for having the answers. I want to ask you so many things.... I'm scared...I don't to die...Kousei... don't go don't leave me all alone."

Crying her poor little eyes out in her lover's arms. She weeps in fear of death. That she will never be able to see him again. Kousei repeats a line he said I think in the first episode that being:

"...A moron. She's tempestuous and capricious. I can't read her. This girl is beautiful... A vision of spring framed in snow."

I love this scene for many numbers of reasons but it's the moment that Kaori finally gets the closet she's ever been with Kousei. She wants to know more about him, she wants to spend more time with him. She doesn't want to die she wants to spend the rest of her time finding out who Kousei Arima is. As the snow falls on the spring that once bloomed, the girl he met under the cherry blossom weeps in his arms grasping onto her one reason to keep fighting.

We fade to the competition but in parallel to that we see that Kaori is in the ICU for surgery. To give her one more chance. She said their uncertain that things may work out but its like her to fight. Kousei is back stage and he's a mess. From the moment he shared with her he seemingly can't bring himself up. Hiroko manged to drag him here and its even a question if he'll even play. Emi and Takeshi come to consul Kousei but he hasn't given up no matter what happens he will go out and play because he made a promise to the one he truly loves the most. As he walks out onto the stage he seems confident, sitting down on the piano he almost cracks, he sits down and memories flood back of Kaori and his mother. He seems liek he can't play

Tsubaki then sneezes which provides a bit of comic relief but also to give Kousei a piece of information. Everyone who has always supported him is here in the hall waiting for him to play. Has not just one but many many reasons to play now. The friends, the rivals, the mentor, the student, the girl so many reasons to play. People have their hands on his back ready to support him and he does not feel alone. Kaori gives Kousei this as well in the moment where we could crack, her memory and subsequent memories of other give way to strength. We all should take from this. Remember that person when you are in a time of need, think of them remember their lessons and what they stand for. If they're still alive give them a call or text. We cannot walk through life alone and as Kaori says in this episode: "We all need someone to kiss us goodbye".

Kousei begins and he plays Chopin's balade no 1 in opus 23. As described by Hiroko: "one of Chopin's loneliest works" but after doing some digging I found a quote by Chopin himself stating: "I am glad, because I too like it the best, it is my dearest work." It is a very good piece and the OST does a fantastic take on it making it Kousei's own. As Kousei plays the the piece he remembers the thoughts and feelings of the others in the hall. He recognizes everyone and how they play a part in his life. That makes his life fuller. It's like this anime is taking from my brain. I once wrote something and I had this exact phrase written in there at a point where I was reflecting on the darkest time in my life. As he plays the same cherry blossom we see from episode 10 returns here in full swing engulfing the hall, "He summons this song...with all the content of his heart, baring soul before the frost"

1 more episode.... its really been a whole month wow. It will be great see you all tomorrow!

(Note: I SPENT 1 HOUR WRITING THIS) (Note: I also have an exam tomorrow :3)

[Episode 22]: There's nothing I can say to give this series finale the justification it rightfully deserves. This series transcends any language I can give it. The final episode, is one that is so very sincere and thoughtful in it's approach. The episode starts with the absolute beginning of the piece. Rather than starting from halfway we get to see the whole thing in it's entirety. During this Kousei again recalls the feelings of those who are watching him. The rivals, the mentor, the best friend, the student. All of that support he finds him being fond of. But without a doubt the one person he dedicates this piece to is the one that barged into his life without warning and changed it forever like a whirlwind. He prays that this reaches her and she remains healthy. To play a duet forever more. As Kousei keep playing he is transported in a space, the same space we see in the first opening. The bright blue sky and mirror like ground. As he looks around and then to his right he sees her. In her pink dress from the first time they met. Kaori, the girl that he loves, the one that changed everything. Ready with her violin.

When I first watched this episode, years ago, I didn't know exactly what this scene represented or where Kousei and Kaori are. This is the prayer he just asked for manifested. This is Kaori's soul and this is her spirit. As Kousei looks at her, he knows what this means. This is the final duet. His message reached her and she answered. This entire duet is something that needs to be watched rather than me describing it. There are no words for the sounds and sights the scene produces. The anime does a fantastic job at showing you what this means to both of them without the characters uttering a single line of dialogue.

As this soul space reaches night fall, Kousei realizes what this means, its time for Kaori to part. Her time in this world is over. She got her wish to perform with the boy that inspired her the most, the boy she loved. As Kaori stops her part of the duet she turns with a saddened look and Kousei... Oh Kousei, I'll let him speak for himself:

"Wait...please don't go...pester me for canelés again! Call me to kill time again! I don't care if I'm just Friend A...don't go...don't go...please don't go! Please don't leave me behind!"

As he says this, Kaori dies in surgery. Visually his is representing by an explosion of cherry blossoms coming out of the spirit's chest cavity. Kousei then finishes the piece, eyes and face full of tears.

After this we cut to Kousei visiting Kaori's grave. Where her parents give him a letter that Kaori wrote. The letter is too long for me to type out since it cover the rest of the runtime of the episode, so here's the link to the full letter for those who want to listen to the full thing. Her letter details how she ended meeting him at 5 years old fun fact we actually see her when Emi does her flashback. She tells that his performance inspired her to pick up the violin so she could play alongside him. How when she found that the boy who changed everything was at her school it changed everything for her. She started to take strides to not live in regret. Her hospitalizations took a toll on her but Kousei made her keep going. She then talks about all her memories made with Kousei after they became friends. The performance, the bridge, the bike ride. Then she tells him that she told 1 single lie. That she liked Watari. I think to everyone it was pretty clearly but to Kousei it was not. To have this laid out in front of him he begins to look back on everything differently. We then see Kousei playing the piano at Hiroko's house as he as replies to Kaori's letter asking:

"isn't it funny how the most unforgettable scenes can be so trivial?"

Kousei says: "none of it was trivial"

"So what's the verdict? Was I able to live inside someone's heart?"

Kousei: "No question"

"This heart wouldn't happen to yours would it?"

Kousei: "you barged in without knocking"

"Do you think that you will remember me from time to time?"

Kousei: "Got no choice, you would come back to haunt me"

"no hitting the reset button!"

Kousei: "not ever"

"Do you forget me okay? That's a promise okay? I'm glad we found each other. Will I reach you? I hope I can. Here's the truth Kousei, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU"

Enclosed with the letter it was Kaori's favourite picture of the two as kids which is adorable. After Kousei finishes reading this Tsubaki comes to tell him that she'll never leave his side, no matter what happens. She gets a push from her friends Kashiwagi earlier in the episode to go and comfort him and its a great touch by Tsubaki. As we ending the series Kousei remarks:

"Spring will be here soon. Spring, the season I met you, is coming. A spring without you...is coming"

This concludes my rewatching of this series. This has been one hell of a transformative experience. A began the rewatch in a place where I was clouded. My heart swaying to the winds to time. Drifting along like a piece of driftwood. Rewatching this has shone a light in me about the things I want to do, the life I want to live and how I will go about living it. For those you who were reading my posts everyday to see my thoughts, you all know that a major motif I highlighted was the "is this going to reach them". Well this series' messages has reached me. I love this series, so so so much. Now probably tied 1st as my favourite. The genuine dialouge, the heartfelt soundtrack, the stunning visuals, compelling story, fantastic characters. Maybe in a few years I will rewatch this series, and experience it's magic all over again.

This whole month went by 22 days and wow I can't believe how much you can change in that time. Alongside writing these absurdly long thoughts I also had an exam and well I think in part due to this anime, I started to enjoy my life again, the exam was fun, studying was fun. Life began to take on color again. Thank you Naoshi Arakawa for making this fantastic series. And thank you, the one reading this right now for following me on this journey!