The One Exception to My Rules

I’m usually a fairly resilient person when it comes to most topics. What I mean by resilient is that if you and I were talking about politics, money, or anything that usually makes people anxious, I’d be fine. But in my 21 years on this planet, there’s one exception to that rule: the topic of love. Not love in the sense of passion for your craft, parental love, or the love you give your friends. No. I mean romance.

Romance is something I’m “experienced” with, but if it were a basketball game, I’d be shooting 0/10 from the field with four fouls. Recently I had a conversation with a close friend where I told him about my issues with this whole topic. Like the G.O.A.T he is, he reassured me that a few bad experiences don’t define the future. He’s right, but I’m still split. One side of me wants to believe that home exists out there for me, while the other side of me, built on my past, says otherwise.

You might be wondering, “What could’ve possibly happened for you to feel this way?” I don’t love airing out my business online, but I’ll outline what’s shaped me. No names or anything personal; people are people, and they have the right to their emotions.

Let’s go back to the start. When I was younger, around middle school, I had a crush on this girl. She was smart, pretty, spoke kindly; everything that could make a 12-year-old’s heart race. Back then (even now, honestly) I wasn’t subtle with my feelings. Everyone knew, and everyone made fun of me for it. Looking back, it was just teasing, but at the time I was lonely and friendless, so it felt cruel. Somehow, I built up the courage to tell her how I felt and got rejected. That left me with the thought: “I’m ugly; nobody’s ever going to like me.”

Fast forward to the end of high school. I’d built confidence. I had friends, hobbies, a decent life. Then I met this girl. She was a year younger than me, and while I was a bit dense, she liked me. Eventually, I reciprocated. She was my first and only serious relationship, and it changed how I saw love. When I was with her, things clicked. It felt like that “other half” people talk about. We were happy for a while. But in hindsight, I was too pushy about certain things, especially around faith and other personal matters. Eventually, it became too much for her, and she decided to end it.

That breakup hit me hard. I was just entering university, which was already academically brutal, and I didn’t handle it well. I poured all that pain into my work, using it as fuel to distract myself. I regret some things with her. I was naïve, careless, and wish I could tell her how sorry I am, and that I genuinely hope she’s doing well. Still, that whole experience warped me. I started seeing romance as a weakness, something for people who weren’t focused or disciplined. Yeah, I was that guy.

That mindset carried into second year. During the summer, I met another girl who was super chill, into the same things, same background, same language. We hit it off and planned to drive to campus together in the fall. Those rides were fun, and we went out to eat one day. I called it a date, though I’m not sure she did. A week or two after I told her I wanted something serious, she rejected me, saying I was “uncool.” Apparently, before I said that, I was cool. Make it make sense. I didn’t handle that one well either. I spiraled, thinking, “What did I do wrong? How could I have fumbled this?”

That mindset stuck with me. Then recently, I met someone else, genuinely different from anyone before. She was a friend of a friend, and I thought she was cute, but I kept quiet because I didn’t want to get hurt again. Eventually, we started talking and really got along. The vibes were immaculate. She became someone I saw light in when everything else in my life was falling apart. I was at one of my lowest points mentally and physically, and she helped me through it without even realizing. Eventually, I told her how I felt, not to chase anything, but just to be honest and move on. And, like clockwork, I got rejected again. That one stung the most. I still remember her smile like it was yesterday.

After that, I tried dating apps. I always hated the idea; they felt like a scam built on people’s loneliness. But I gave in. Big mistake. It felt soulless. The idea that someone’s whole worth comes down to a three-second swipe made me sick. I got a few matches but got ghosted in every conversation. Apps like Dil Mil and Hinge feel predatory as hell.

So where does that leave me now?

Honestly, I’m at peace with it. If romantic love is in the cards for me someday, great. If not, that’s fine too. I’m comfortable in my own skin, confident in my faith, and surprisingly balanced in how I see it all now. That clarity came from sitting with my thoughts, wrestling with them, and learning from the wreckage. There are still things that sting when I think back, but I’ve accepted that romance has always been weird for me. And maybe that’s okay. Maybe I just have to embrace the weirdness.